Much too moronic for rational or intelligent statements when in an argument or while being confronted, he is….the Kink of the Comeback.

On my way home from work one day last week, my usual route home was blocked by construction, leaving me with no other choice but to take back roads. I was traveling down one such road, a busy one, approaching a stop sign. The line to the stop sign was backed up to the point of blocking a development’s entrance, if I were not to stop short of it and let a few cars turn in front of me. Some asswipe in a Corvette, however, decides that he’s too good to wait and comes from somewhere behind me, trying to pass the line on the right hand shoulder, almost hitting the car turning into the development in front of me and almost hitting me while trying to avoid that accident. As soon as that car passed he gassed it again, putting himself in line a whole one car ahead of me, almost being hit by the other car that I was letting turn into the development.

After calmly rolling down the window and shouting a few chosen words, to which I got no reaction from the asswipe (pronounced a-swipay, he did look italian), we both ended up going straight through the next intersection. I remained one car behind the almost one-hit wonder. As we approached the next lighted intersection, I needed to go left, and it appeared as though asswipe would go straight. I veered into the left hand turning lane and started to pass asswipe, when he started gazing off into the field on the side of the road and almost swerved into my car again, before stopping at the stoplight.

At this point I’ve had enough, so I backed up a few inches to even my car up with his, rolled down my window and asked if he was paying attention to what he was doing. When he turned down his music and asked me what I said, I calmly and rationally said (yelled) “Why don’t you open you (expletive) eyes and pay attention to where your (expletive) going jackass.” His reply to my verbal assault was brilliant. He thought for a second and said “(expletive) off”. Ah yes I could tell I was bantering with a genius.

Now I admit, that the expletives were exiting my mouth way more expediently than I normally care for, but at least I was sandwiching them in between rational thought. As the “conversation” went on, the only thing he kept saying is “where you at, where you at”. What does that mean exactly? Was he trying to tell me that although he could not match my wit or knew he was wrong, that he would like to make himself feel more manly by challenging me to a fight? Pretty common for an asswipe.

Finally the light turned green and as we started heading our separate ways, I leaned into the passenger side window, and yelled “just open your eyes and pay attention”. His final comeback was “you open your eyes”.

Wow, Maybe I should.

Normally, I like UPS drivers. The one that delivers to my house is very cool and my normal delivery guy at work is cool. Last night we must have had a new driver making our daily pickup.

I heard someone come up the stairs at my office, right around the time the UPS guy picks up our outgoing deliveries. We didn’t have any outgoing last night, but instead of hearing the normal key jingling sound going back down the stairs, I heard the bathroom door shut. This is a one person bathroom, as my current office only consists of two people, but guests are usually welcome to use it at any time.

After a couple of minutes, however, I realized that the UPS driver was doing more than a quick pitstop, he was sitting on the throne. I know, I know, UPS drivers are human too, and where else could they go, but he was in there at least ten minutes. Then, after all was said and done, he opened the door and left…and I was immediately offended by the odor wafting down the hallway and seeping into my office from the bathroom. I thought to myself, at least he could have sprayed the air freshener. But that wasn’t the worst of this drivers bathroom baffoonery, not by a long shot.

I did not attempt to go in right away, however, I did have to use the bathroom before leaving, and found out this driver has no bathroom etiquette at all. It looked as though he had washed his dirty hands but didn’t use any soap. And then, instead of drying them with the paper towels, shook them dry all over the place. There were black dirty water spots all over the sink, the toilet, the floor, the mirror and the walls. He also left a present floating in the toilet, staring up at me. Thanks.

How do you feel ok about yourself after leaving someone elses bathroom in this manner. It absolutely disgusted me, and I really hope it was not my normal driver. He doesn’t look like the type to read Bowhunt America magazine though. I know this guy does because he left the subscription cards from his magazine that he obviously brought with him, on the floor. Thanks, but I think I’ll pass on that sub.

Oh and PS, after wiping your butt, the toilet paper goes in the toilet….not in the trash can. Damn.

Continuing today’s overheard discussion, I’d like to submit my own for your reading displeasure. This conversation took place in a grocery store aisle as I was walking to find theFamily, who had gone in the store ahead of me while I parked theVue. Sung to the tune NaNa-NaNa-NaNa You can’t get me:

Girl: You have no ovaries, You have no ovaries.
Mom: Stop it
Girl: You have no ovaries, You have no ovaries.

At this point, they walked out of the aisle in front of me and I saw that a 30-something mom with a early-teens daughter were the subject of this edition of overheard.

Mom: (swings purse and connects with daughter’s back) Stop it, I told you that’s enough.
Girl: (laughing) Ooh, mommy, you know I like it rough.

I could editorialize about how parents are not meant to be their own children’s friends and that this is exactly why, but I don’t think I really need to in this case, do I?